Everyone in video games is hot nowadays. As a floundering pansexual who’d be attracted to a rock if it played its cards right, this is an issue.Baldur’s Gate 3is filled to the brim with cute girls and boys, and throughout my first playthrough I’ve developed crushes on everyone from Astarion to Shadowheart. It has anuanced understanding of sex, nudity, and relationships too- which only makes taking this approach even more of a rewarding venture. Platonic playthroughs are possible too, if you’re on the ace spectrum.
Its cavalcade of cute and attractive characters is the biggest example of virtual simpery I’ve seen since the release ofSupergiant’sHadesback in 2018. The two games can be seen as kindred spirits in a lot of ways. Both come from acclaimed but underappreciated teams who, after years of producing underground classics, finally broke free and took over the world. It’s clear that Hades took inspiration from others in the roguelite genre, but it also introduced a new way of digesting compelling character stories and an overarching narrative that played out after each run. You weren’t failing so much as building protagonist Zagreus into the man he needed to be, growing closer - romantically or otherwise - with certain characters as you went. It’s an extraordinary game, and everyone in it also happens to be sexy. Even Dusa.
I’m not the only one who has acknowledged this connection, since a bunch offan arthas beguncropping up onlinefeaturing Zagreus and Astarion not only talking as if they’re having a grand old time, but the two also seem to be in love. When you start to break it all down, the two men are perfect for each other. Astarion is a vampire spawn, a being forced to be the slave of Cazador until he manages to one day escape. Except he still has a continued thirst for blood, an obligation he must continue to fulfill lest he meet an unsavoury end.
Zagreus on the other hand, is the god of blood. Hell, half of the time his gorgeous body can be seen drenched in the stuff as he steps outside a pool of the sticky red tar after yet another loss, dripping from his toned muscles and stylish hair as he prepares to do it all over again. He can technically provide Astarion with an unlimited supply of that sweet human nectar, not to mention a good helping of cuddles and kisses whenever he might need them.
There’s an intimacy to hooking up with a partner who can, in theory, provide everything you would need to survive, but still require a shoulder of their own to lean on when the going gets tough. Zagreus is cocky and confident on the surface, much like Astarion, but anyone who has played Hades will tell you the himbo has a lot of baggage holding him down. But it’s nothing that will prove impossible to conquer.
Zagreus is also one hell of a sweet talker, empathetic to a fault, as he spends so much of his time falling over himself to help others and grow closer to family and friends, even if it delays his ultimate goal. His one desire is to spite his father and leave the underworld behind, but repeated attempts to escape only serve as a reminder of how much it means to him. Old habits must be broken as familial issues are addressed, something that’d work wonders in the trauma Astarion also has to come to terms with.
To think for himself, and realise that his entire life needn’t be dictated by abusers who aren’t part of who he is anymore. Even if they are, it is not an immediate reason for them to control you. Zagreus could give him lots of blood and places to work through lingering demons, but, more importantly, it’d be really hot when they kiss in a pool of blood. Sorry.
They’re both immortal, not to mention Astarion has vocally expressed his distant wish to marry a prince. How about royalty of the underworld to wrap your arms around? Yes please. Sharing a bed, weapons, and means to craft the underworld in their image with far healthier mindsets is beautiful to picture, not to mention Baldur’s Gate 3 takes place in a potentially infinite multiverse, so the odds of them actually meeting aren’t zero. Yes, I have thought through this way too much.
Let them get together, fall in love, and take over the (under) world. The internet is already in full support, and when it comes to simping over fictional boyfriends, that is the only approval we really need.
