Every so often, I scroll through Twitter and seea news storyabout the live-actionMinecraftmovie and shudder in horror. I get imposter syndrome a lot, but knowing that somebody took a game with such a strikingly simple aesthetic - blocks - and pitched a live-action adaptation which then got greenlit is unbelievably reassuring.
Minecraft is a blank slate. You start in a vast, empty, randomly generated world where the only limit is your imagination. Spin-offs likeLegends,Dungeons, and the Telltale games have tried to bring story into the mix, but it’s always generic fantasy that loses the appeal of Minecraft’s do-it-yourself attitude. It’s a sandbox, you’re the one who writes the narrative.
But we’re living through a boom of video game adaptations, so of course Minecraft is having a go. And rather than a cutesy cartoon flick a laSuper Mario Bros., it’s going for live-action. Either it’ll be a weird film about a man in the woods punching trees for 90 minutes, or it’ll be Human Centipede-level nightmare fuel. I’m not sure which way it’ll land, but I’m going to try to answer the question of “What does a live-action Minecraft look like?” anyway.
Body Horror
Minecraft, likeLego, is a very basic but incredibly flexible concept. Everything is made of cubes. If someone said, ‘We’re making a live-action Lego movie!’, you’d probably punch them in the face. What is Lego without the bricks? Same goes for Minecraft and blocks.
So, live-action Minecraft has to stay true to what the game is known for. That meansJason Momoaand Jack Black’s faces contorted onto fleshy, realistic, blocky humans. To make matters worse, they’re living out their days with awkwardly stiff limbs that don’t bend, wedging pickaxesthroughtheir cube fists as they toil away in the mines. Gruesome stuff.
Guy Punches Tree, Goes To Hell
Option number two is you make a Minecraft movie without blocks, which is like having a cheese toastie without cheese.
Minecraft starts with us punching trees to get wood, which would probably translate to Jason Momoa, Jack Black, Danielle Brooks, and all the others camping in the forest, building up supplies until they find obsidian and are able to restore an old Nether portal. Basically, a bunch of people in the woods go mining for a bit and then visit hell and see realistic zombie pigmen. No matter which way you cut it, this movie is going to look grotesque.
Jumanji
Gotta be honest, watching people gathering supplies for an hour to visit what is essentially a big lava ocean sounds dull. So, here’s my third theory - they’re gonna rip off Jumanji.
We know Sebastian Eugene Hansen, who is a kid, is playing a character called Henry. Maybe his new second-hand PC bought from a dodgy bloke outside Curry’s sucks his dad (Jason Momoa) into Minecraft where he meets Jack Black’s Steve who has been trapped inside of the game foryears.
Jack Black also starred in the two new Jumanji movies, so this would be even more derivative.
Black teaches Momoa how to survive, they meet others, and the group finds a way to break out. My gut says this part would be animated so it’d at least feel more like Minecraft, but they keep saying the movie is live-action so I’d hinge my bets on it being like Jumanji - realistic with game-y menus and mechanics.
Not Minecraft
The fourth and final idea floating around in my head is that a live-action Minecraft movie won’t look like Minecraft. There might be some of the basic iconography like creepers and the End Dragon, with names like Steve and Alex, but it’ll be some generic fantasy flick using Minecraft as a very loose foundation. So, Telltale but unrecognisable.
If you can’t tell, I don’t have high hopes. Minecraft is one of the worst properties to make a live-action movie out of, but here we are. Mojang could have had its own Lego film, but instead, it’s going for the 1993 Mario approach - it’s a bold strategy, Cotton.
Maybe I’m wrong and it’ll be peak cinema, but I’m hedging my bets on it being another dud in the video game movie canon. Either way, Jack Black playing Steve has piqued my interest, so I’ll be there, dumpster fire or not.
