What can be said about 2023 that hasn’t been said already? Pretty much nothing. As a species, we’ve covered this year. Good games were good. Corporations talked about howgreat their games were while firing thousands of workers and closing dozens of legacy studios.E3 shut down. E3’s unofficial replacement is a one-night eventdedicated to announcing new games while shushing game developers for taking more than two breaths to discuss their jobs. Also, some random game executive is finally gone, which is good because that person is - and I want to be clear this is my personal opinion - awful. Who is that person? Don’t worry about it!
But since we’re approaching 2024 and that means a whole new year of fun games and a deep well of horrors for those that make them, I thought it would be fun to go over some of my completely unrealistic resolutions for the New Year. None of these are likely to happen. In fact, that is why they call it hope: Because you want something to happen and the answer is nope.
Listen, I just flew home from Florida - where humidity and bigotry come alive! - so not everything is going to be banger today. Also, don’t buy your parents aMeta Questheadset if you don’t want to spend hours keeping them from running at full speed into an old fake Christmas tree made out of rusty spikes. To 2024!
I Will Finish The Games I Buy
This will never happen in a million years. Why finish a game when you’re able to put ten hours into it, hit a minor snag that could’ve been fixed with a Google search, and then give up anyway? There’s no reason to see the end of a story that a team spent hundreds of millions of dollars creating! That said, imagine if I could actually pull this one off.
I’d likely need to have enough money to retire without needing to work any hours in the day, but maybe I’ll find out I’ve got a dying rich relative who hates everyone else more than me.
Maybe I could solve this by being more careful with what I purchase. I know what games I’m most excited about: I could put my resources into buying them, finishing them, and saving money by not buying things I didn’t want. All I’d have to do is ignore bundles, sales, and games that sound terrible but cost only $5 so what the heck. I’ll both be a better steward of my own future and a more consistent gamer.
At least until maybe January 10 when I get sad because of something minor and throw down $200 for The Ultimate Deluxe Complete Edition of some garbage I’ll open once. Nope! Every game purchased this year will be completely finished with all the endings unlocked!
I Will Enjoy Gaming Events In Good Faith
I… You see… Look… Okay, not all gaming events are bad. There are a lot of great gaming events of all different shapes and sizes - some of which have even paid me in the past, which puts them and myself completely above reproach.
But let’s narrow this down to events in which companies make big, important announcements using people who - as the children say - “lack the rizz” or movie stars who do have lots of rizz (oli & Isles), but they seemed to have been awakened backstage three minutes earlier with no explanation of what’s happening. Shock them by throwing a pot of near-frozen water at them and then point out a microscopic teleprompter they need to squint at. They will never fail to be great.
But I will respect big launch events and Sports-Jacket-Over-A-T-Shirt announcements as best as I can. I will not judge executives who talk about their own company’s games like an AI got fed a description of it from Wikipedia. I will not be frustrated when trailers for games coming out literally years from now are more important than games coming out soon or already.
I will understand that these events drive a lot of interest and revenue for companies and therefore their existence is unfortunately both cynical and necessary in equal measure. There will be no criticism from me and I’ll be happy sucking down the firehose of trailers that have tiny text reading “not actual gameplay.”
I Will Not Make Fun Of Game Executives
Game executives are universally good, honest people whose only sin is wearing puffy vests in photos that make them look like goofy dads in a Dateline episode. They’re never bad people. They’re not responsible for problems in this industry. And they certainly never take you by surprise by name-searching themselves. By the way, this isn’t about anyone. And even if it were, I would never make fun of them! Video game executives are 100 percent beyond reproach.
Any and all issues that may have allegedly happened at their completely theoretical company were neither their fault nor their responsibility. And that’s only if the imaginary person I’m describing were even real, which they are not! Being a video game executive is a lot like being an infant: for anything you do right, you deserve to be thrown a party. For anything you do wrong, it’s the adults around you who should have known better.
I Will Not Buy The Same Game On Eight Different Consoles
Making a pledge here and now: if I seeTetris Effectfor sale on a new console, I won’t buy it again. I already have it onSwitch,Steam, the Epic Store,PlayStation, andXbox. Notice I have bought it for two different PC gaming stores. I won’t buy it for more! Certainly not! I won’t fall for the same trick again and again and again. I’ll be better about stretching and saving my gaming dollar rather than gettingStardew Valleyfor every single platform it launches on.
No matter what comes out this year, whether it be a new console or console refresh, I won’t rebuySlay the SpireorMarvel’s Midnight Suns. And if anotherSkyrimre-release hits, I’m not going to say, “But you love Skyrim!” and add it to my cart. I have more than enough of all of these games and I won’t keep buying them over and over and over again in hopes of hitting the same dopamine rush I got the first time.
Vampire Survivors? I own plenty! Not going to buy more of that when I’m depressed! No more avoiding fixing my many deep, awful personal issues by spending money I don’t have! We’re past that!
And I’ll tell you something for sure: When the Nintendo Switch 2 comes out, I’m definitely not going to be a rube who spends money on slightly updated remasters of older Nintendo games that I already own slightly-updated remasters of already. Nope! Nice try, Metroid Prime Trilogy! I already gotcha! Ain’t gonna getcha again! But, you know, lemme know when you’re thinking about coming out.
Hey, what can I say? Live-service games aren’t for me. But I’ve got friends who love them and even have friends who have worked on them. For a lot of people, live service games are a fun way to hangout with friends and feel like part of an evolving, ongoing adventure rather than a one-off, open-and-closed story.
I will respect this. I will not be mad every time I see the words “live-service game” or “free to play.” And I won’t lose myself to madness when a developer describes their game asMinecraftmeets a game that’s already similar to Minecraft. It’s not for me! Games not for me aren’t my problem.
I won’t complain about them. I won’t act like a little whiny child because there exists something outside of my interests. I won’t make fun of things that are clearly pretty good even though I don’t enjoy them. I am a normal person who understands that there are experiences outside of my own where a person could enjoy a game that I did not.
I will be patient. I will wait for patches. I will temper my expectations so games do not disappoint when they don’t immediately click with me or feature maps.
I Will Be Normal About The Next Nintendo Console
I won’t lose my mind when the nextNintendoconsole comes out. I won’t throw a tantrum like a child when I don’t get one because there is only a finite amount of machines that can be delivered by a finite amount of people driving a finite amount of vans. I won’t act like a baby online about it.
I will remember I own a lot of copies of Slay the Spire and don’t need to buy it again. I won’t say “This is the best Mario game of all time” without thinking because I’m desperate for any moment that returns me to a joy like it’s the Nexus from Star Trek: Generations.
