It’s the final day of 2023 and I’m sweating. Despite publishing more than 500 articles this year, I haven’t yet hit my quota for hot takes. If you know my work, that might seem surprising. In the last week alone Islammed the Arkham gamesfor having dated traversal andI defended Twitch’s decision to allow artistic depictions of nudity. Maybe that made me look a little foolish when Twitch reversed the decision less than 48 hours later, but not nearly as foolish as Twitch looked. I also gaveAvatar: Frontiers of Pandoraa higher review score thanAsgard’s Wrath 2, the highest-rated VR game of all time on Metacritic. I’ve been a hot take machine this month, but I still have to get in a few more before we ring in the new year. I’m not about to relinquish my title as TheGamer’s spiciest meatball to Stacey Henley just because she hates Zelda and thinksJoy-Cons are better than pro controllers. Not today.
So here’s your end-of-the-year hot take speed round. First up: Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania is not even close to being the worst Marvel movie. It’s easily the best in the Ant-Man trilogy and it’s also in the top 50 percent of the MCU. It had a villain so great that it manages to set the stakes extremely high without ever having to tell us exactly what they were. Just the thought of Kang being let loose on the world was enough to drive the plot. This is the best ensemble MCU cast outside of the Guardians. Paul Rudd is as charming as ever and his deadbeat dad character was wrapped up nicely. I loved the mountain of Paul Rudds, I loved the ant army, heck, I loved the little goo guy who was obsessed with holes. I get why people are exhausted by the MCU, I am too, but this one wasn’t the turd in the punchbowl everyone acts like it is.
I know, defending Marvel ain’t the bravest thing you’re able to do on the internet. Now that I’ve defended something everyone hates, let me take a shot at something everyone loves. Ever since the Vallhalla DLC or God of War Ragnarok shadow dropped during The Game Awards I’ve seen approximately 500,000 people say the same thing: “I can’t believe this is free!” That’s weird, cause I can.
I like Valhalla a lot. It borrows its structure from some of the best roguelikes, Hades and Returnal, and tells a story that feels like a necessary conclusion to Kratos’ character arc over the last two games. It’s also just a handful of small arenas, repeated boss, and a few cutscenes. Sony was wise to release it for free. After the flack Tears of the Kingdom got for ‘reusing assets’ charging $15 or $20 would have given gamers something to complain about for the next six months. It’s a good expansion, but it’s not hard to believe it’s free.
Still with me? Because I’ve got a couple more in the chamber. Back to film - the Super Mario Bros. Movie is terrible. It’s barely a step up from those substanceless YouTube Kids videos of flashing lights and colors that developmental psychologists warn parents to keep their kids away from. The script is so bereft of any themes, character development, or emotional weight that I’m suspicious an AI wrote it. None of the jokes land, the needle drops are horrible, and don’t get me started on Peaches, which is neither funny nor a good song. People thought it deserved an Oscar nomination? Get real. Just because Mario games have no story doesn’t mean the movie gets a pass for not having one either. It may have made a billion but it ain’t no Shrek, that’s for sure.
Sheesh. Feels good to get that one out of my system. Here’s one more little rant to close out 2023. If you aren’t disgusted with me yet, here’s the spiciest take I’ve been holding in all year: the entire Pokemon media empire is much closer to total collapse than anyone thinks. All it’s going to take is a studio with the budget and balls to take the Pokemon formula and bring it up to modern triple-A standards, and Pokemon fans will abandon the series faster than Fntastic abandoned The Day Before. There’s no excuse for the atrocious quality and presentation of Pokemon Scarlet & Violet, and while each Pokemon game outsells the one before it today, the inverse relationship between the quality and success of Pokemon games tells me it’s only a matter of time before something else comes along and steals its thunder stone.
And with that, I think I’ve managed to get in all the hot takes I needed for the year. I’m taking a much-needed break on New Year’s day, then I’ll be back with more correct opinions that turn my inbox into a garbage fire. I can’t wait.
