While Nintendo has always been a family-friendly company first and foremost, that fact can be debatable.The Legend Of Zeldaseries, telling of the adventures of Link and Zelda as they struggle against the evil of Ganon, is home to more than a few bosses that just don’t seem fit for any kind of kids game.
I don’t need to have my heebie’s jeebie’d by horrifying bosses while I’m just trying to enjoy my fantasy adventure. You probably already have a few bosses in mind, so let’s be honest, the Zelda series has been giving kids nightmares for years, thanks to all these bosses.
It’s best to start with the most obvious option first because what in the world even is Dead Hand? This Ocarina Of Time boss is one of the scariest in the entire series, from those grabby little hands sticking out of the ground to its sharp arm stumps.
No one needs to fight a boss capable of unhinging its jaw more thaniconic old Wariocan. Dead Hand looks as excited to eat Link as I imagine most people look when they’ve just bought a fresh bag of popcorn.
2Armogohma - Twilight Princess
Gohma is already bad enough, but Twilight Princess’s Armogohma is somehow so much worse. Those of us who hate spiders absolutely don’t need to be locked in mortal combat with a massive eye-laser-shooting spider.
Regular spiders are fine because shoe always beats spider, but when things get to Armogohma’s size – I just don’t think they make shoes big enough for that problem. For Australians, Armogohma is probably just an average spider, but for me, and probably for all the kids playing Zelda games in the northern hemisphere, that thing is just horrific.
3Dark Link - Ocarina Of Time
There is something deeply dark about having to battle a shadow version of yourself. I’m stuck fighting my nail-biting and never-putting-folded-laundry-away demons on the regular; I don’t need to worry about having to battle a shadow enemy that can copy each and every one of my moves.
That’s without mentioning how disturbing Dark Link is for kids to battle. Thinking back to fighting him in Ocarina Of Time, he just appears out of nowherelike he’s happily in the middle of a blazing speedrunand starts jumping onto your sword – a brutal kind of smackdown that no one needs.
4Bongo Bongo - Ocarina Of Time
There’s really no telling what Bongo Bongo is, but what it looks like is a really messed up human corpse with massive detached hands and a large glowing eye. Killing it with fire wouldn’t even be going far enough, and yet you have to fight it on a drum with a handful of arrows.
Bongo Bongo isn’t going to have you wanting to play Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat anytime soon. You’ll want to curl up in a corner, wondering why those creepy hands keep swatting you all over the place.
5Bilocyte - Skyward Sword
No one likes parasites, which makes it safe to say thatno one likes Skyward Sword’s Bilocyte, a parasitic creature that infects and controls a massive sky-whale, and no one wants to hurt a majestic sky-whale. It’s far from one of the toughest bosses in the game, but there’s always something creepy about parasites.
Kids don’t need to think about some creepy one-eyed monster taking over their bodies, overly controlling parents will take care of that for them. Just looking at it, Bilocyte appears alien in nature, landing it in a camp as uncanny as the final forms of Majora.
6Barinade - Ocarina Of Time
Much like Bilocyte, Barinade is a weird parasite of a creature, though this time it’s found within Jabu Jabu’s Belly, and you have to fight it as a child. Why it’s electric, can spawn jellyfish-like enemies, and shoot bolts of electricity from its tentacles are all good things to ponder, but Barinade will be bodying you while you think.
It’s just such a bizarre boss fight and a far cry from the massive spider and large dinosaur you’d fought previously. If you’re the kind of person who dreads eating seafood, Barinade is only going to make that worse.
7Colgera - Tears Of The Kingdom
While Colgera is certainly one of the best-looking bosses inthe excellent Switch game, Tears Of The Kingdom, it’s also terrifying to look at. The massive beast practically forces you to face it in the sky if you want to have any hope of beating it.
I don’t even know what Colgera is supposed to be, but it combines two of my least favorite things: extreme cold and ice. A Canadian with a fly swatter may be able to handle Colgera with no problem, but I think I’ll leave the battle to Link.
8Death Sword - Twilight Princess
This boss is literally named Death Sword, and while that’s incredibly cool, that’s terrifying. It’s one of the most frightening boss designs in the entire series, and Death Sword’s arena is the perfect atmosphere for the ghostly enemy.
It’s kind of awesome that you get to bite the thing’s heart out as Wolf Link, but there are not too many people willing to fight something called Death Sword. Generally, when something has the word death in its title, you don’t want to mess with it, and that’s the case here.
9Zant - Twilight Princess
Come on, we can all admit thatthe usurper of the Twilight realmZant is just a little bit too odd for the average Zelda game. It makes sense that he’s in one of the darkest Zelda games out there because Zant is just creepy from his first appearance to his final scenes.
The way he throws a tantrum throughout the various rounds you have to go through while fighting him makes him strangely childlike. At the same time, his horrific mask and magical abilities make him a dangerous force that no one wants hopping toward them. He looks like a kid who just found out they’re going to Disney, only to show up at the doctor’s office instead, and I can’t think of many things scarier than that.
10Phantom Ganon - Tears Of The Kingdom
Somehow, Phantom Ganon is always creepier than its ordinary counterparts. Sure, Ganondorf can absolutely destroy anyone standing in his way, but you turn him into a ghost, and suddenly everything gets creepier.
Regardless of the game he’s in, if I see Phantom Ganon, I know some little kid is going to be hoping for some help from the Ghostbusters. I ain’t afraid of no ghosts (or at least that’s what I tell myself), but I know kids are and with no bottles to trap him in, those kids are gonna be doomed.
